Chiming In
I’ve been asked to chime in with my thoughts on the whole Tiger Mother debate. Of course, the entire thing has been commented on by thousands and thousands, but you know I have an opinion, so here goes.
First of all, we simply must accept the fact that everyone has the right to parent in their own way and what works for one set of parents may not work for another. Part of the problem is the need people feel to declare their style as “superior,” which just creates defensiveness and a desire to retaliate on the part of others. Amy Chua’s very title, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” set her up for the vast and deep anger that is being thrown her way. Had she called her essay “How Chinese Mothers Differ” or any other benign, nonjudgmental title, the fury that ensued would, well, would not have ensued with such a fury. Some people have even suggested that the title was chosen upon the advice of her publisher because a massive national controversy the day before a book is released does nothing if not drive up sales.
So, I’d like to propose a kinder, gentler way — that we allow others to parent in their own style, according to their own values and background, while we parent in our own way without casting judgment on one another (or one another’s offspring). That being said, I am now going to cast a little judgment on both styles of parenting, the Chinese and the Western (as defined by Chua).
Obviously, I believe in unfettered joy as a natural and vital part of childhood. A child’s ability to experiment freely with their vivid imagination, to use their inherent creativity to see and approach the world in unique and nontraditional ways, to define themselves based on the basest qualities (what they love, what they want) is, in a word, wonderful. As in full of wonder. I don’t think we should do anything to squash that sense of freedom and curiosity and expressiveness, that joyous ability to focus so thoroughly on whatever seems interesting in any given moment without care for whether it “matters.” Think of a three-year-old studying a caterpillar creeping across a leaf. Should that child be left alone lying on his belly in the dirt to study that leaf for as long as it takes to satisfy his curiosity even if we grown-ups consider it boring or a waste of time or should he be dragged inside to practice the piano (which, by the way, said child may think of as boring and a complete waste of time)?
I am all for exploration and experimentation and imagination run wild. That’s what being a kid is about. And when else in life do you get to “waste time” with such a sense of purpose? Don’t we all wish we could latch on to some silly notion or frivolous idea and immerse ourselves in it for hours or days or weeks on end?
I obviously lean more towards the Dolphin Mother end of the spectrum than the Tiger Mother (and don’t get me started on Mama Grizzlies!). But there are some aspects of Western parenting, particularly in the past decade or so, that I find worrisome. As Chua points out, there is a tendency among the current generation of Western parents to insert themselves into their children’s lives in order to prevent them from experiencing failure. I think failure is great. Granted, it’s not fun. But it is enormously important. Am I saying that I plan to rejoice when my child comes home crushed by a bad grade or devastated after being cut from the team? No, of course not. I will hug them and suffer alongside them (perhaps even more than them) but I will also know that they are learning a valuable life lesson. We simply have to fail. Hopefully not all the time, mind you! But failure is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. And as parents we need to let our kids fail without blaming others (the coach who pushed too hard, the teacher who expected too much). I don’t believe that kids need to be coddled in that way. They need to own the failure in order for it to be useful.
But all this Tiger Mother business and the huge outcry against her (and the loud support in favor of her) is simply one more example of how lousy we’ve all gotten at disagreeing. You’d think that members of this society would be experts at disagreeing because we do it so darn much! But we’ve really gotten very bad at it. If I read Chua’s article and think to myself, “Wow, that seems harsh,” or even “Damn, I would never treat my kids in such a cruel way,” am I somehow then entitled to go and send her a death threat? A death threat! The woman has received hundreds of them each day. That’s silly, people. Just disagree and get over yourselves.
Parent your children in the very best way you know how. Do some research on key issues like feeding and sleeping, have some basic understanding of the stages of development and what to expect out of each. And then go from your heart. Listen to your children and listen to yourself and do what feels best. Are you gonna make some mistakes? Of course. Amy Chua did and her book addresses that. Those of us with different styles and different (not lower) expectations of our children will make mistakes too. Our kids will most likely forgive us (as Amy Chua’s have), whether they end up as concert pianists or hourly wage workers.
I just hope mine end up happy.
I found this a somewhat interesting follow-up:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=%2Fg%2Fa%2F2011%2F01%2F13%2Fapop011311.DTL
I find myself swinging back and forth between Tiger Mom and Total Slacker Mom, myself….
Interesting, just read that other article, Brenna. This was a good quote, from Chua herself regarding the Washington Post article:
“I was very surprised,” she says. “The Journal basically strung together the most controversial sections of the book. And I had no idea they’d put that kind of a title on it. But the worst thing was, they didn’t even hint that the book is about a journey, and that the person at beginning of the book is different from the person at the end — that I get my comeuppance and retreat from this very strict Chinese parenting model.”
I actually saw a lot of humor (albeit dry humor) and definitely satire in the WP essay.
I laughed out loud a lot when I read the WSJ article, though that may be because I was frankly raised in something of a Tiger Mom household, myself (tamer than the one described, though).
Well, whatever you want to say about the piece in the Journal, I’m sure it did the job because now I want to read the book, and I’m sure sales are going to be a lot higher than they would have been otherwise. Something to think about once you get a book deal! (wink)
Hmmmmm “Why Mothers of Cancer Patients Are Superior”?
I think you’re right Krissy we all should raise our children as we see fit, but without such harsh judgement on the parenting styles of others. Each child is so different and you really see that the more children you have. You think your children will be just like you or your husband and here is this little person who is just so different from you both. Yes, you see qualities and tendancies of you or your husband, but they are individuals.
I also believe in a kinder and gentlier style of parenting too. I’d much rather have a happy child then one who can speak 3 languages, play 3 instruments and is unhappy. Life is such a gift why waste it on meaningless things. I’m not saying learing to speak a new language or playing an instrument is a horrible waste of time, but when you die no one is going to ask did they play 3 instruments or speak 3 languages they are going to ask about your family and memories of that person. Is the memory you want your children to have is you always pushing them and you making them feell that they were never good enough in your eyes? Or is the memory going to be of you making snowmen, going sledding, and playing silly music and dancing up a storm in the middle of the afternoon for fun. I’d rather have a happy child any day with good memories of their Mom.
Krissy, as usual, you laid out the arguments so well! Here’s where I weigh in on all this – here’s what I am so thankful for – the blessing that my youngest child is still alive and thriving, after surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy; and the blessing that my oldest child seems to be happy and thriving, after her world was turned upside down at such a young age, in ways that I will probably never completely understand, as she was dragged along on this journey. So when they come home with paint all over their new white shirt after doing an art project, or quit piano practice early because they’re just not in the mood for it that day, I try to suppress that “tiger Mom” instinct to make them the best at everything, and just let childhood be childhood. I agree with the comments written here – what we’ll remember are the happy moments, the wondrous moments, the moments of being together with family and friends – that’s what gives the best foundation for going forward – it’s always a balance -we want our kids to feel successful, to feel that they can do anything in this world – but it’s truly a balance, and giving them the best foundation is so important. Look at some of the examples we have – some of those “highly successful” people who have come forward later in life – like Andre Aggasi who now reveals that he absolutely hated playing tennis, and turned to drugs and all kinds of dysfunctional behavior, as he was pushed so early to be the best tennis player; or Tiger Woods – we all have seen how dysfunctional and out of control his life became in the past couple of years. I don’t think either of them would have chosen fame over the disruption of their personal lives.
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/26/tiger_mom_colbert_report/index.html
I liked her on Colbert—seems to me like she was trying to figure out her path given the high expectations of her own immigrant parents and balance that with a different way that wasn’t so well defined. And in a way, isn’t that all what we do to some extent–take what works from our own upbringing and try to figure out the rest?
I just read the book over the weekend. Not to be missed: it goes fast and I think it is well-written.