Goodness
I’ve been struggling. Focusing in on the absolute worst possible outcome in any given scenario. Certain that Austin would fall victim to every “rare but serious” side effect listed for each of his drugs (things that range from permanent hearing loss to irreversible organ failure to the big D). Wondering how many children I’ll be buying Christmas gifts for next year.
But it’s lifting. I am, yet again, rising. Today has been a much better day. Austin is back, full force. He’s playing and eating and laughing and snorting like a pig (his new thing for some unknown reason). His resilience, his ability to get back up after being knocked down and down and down, reminds me to hope.
It started lifting last night. We’d finished dinner and I was standing there paralyzed by the mess in my kitchen and Mark told me to take some time off. “Stop worrying about whether you and I are putting in equal time right now. It doesn’t have to be equal; it has to be about meeting each other’s needs. Right now, you need a break. I don’t. The tables will turn and when they do, I can break down and you will step up.”
So I left. Went to Heinen’s and Target. Studied food labels for potassium and bought a few last minutes stocking stuffers, along with thermometers, hospital slippers, and children’s Tylenol. I wandered around the store in a daze, thinking of my incredible husband and my incredible children. Struck by the goodness and kindness in my life and by the misery and cruelty in my life. The two opposite forces converging all at once, toppling over each other, jostling for position. Wondering which would win out, which would prove to be stronger in the end.
I drove home listening to the “holiday music station,” which is a form of torture in and of itself between the longing of “home for Christmas” songs to the new meaning behind “All I Want For Christmas is YOU” (not to mention the thoroughly annoying “The Twelve Pains of Christmas” which makes me want to shake someone: “Oh really? You couldn’t find a parking spot at the mall??”). But as I passed the twinkling lights on the houses, driving slowly with no traffic around, I was calmed. I pulled into the driveway of my full house and walked in my backdoor to the sound of laughter.
My three boys, one big, one medium, and one little, were running around playing hide and seek. And laughing.
Goodness wins.
I will miss you guys at Christmas this year. Know how much I wish I was there and wish that things were different for you guys. I hope you enjoy your time all together and hope that this is a very happy Christmas before all the difficult stuff begins. all the best,
Karen
Yes. the power of Goodness. My greatest wish for all of you is that there will always be enough Goodness in each day to get you through.
Sleep well tonight with visions of sugar plums….oh, you know….with visions of two sweet boys tearing through christmas morning.
I can barely read your posts these days without tears. But I’m certain that goodness will always win out in your lives – because of who you are. We send wishes to you 4 for a Christmas that has joy in every minute – and that you savor it all. We look forward to new photos! Love and hugs, D & T
Krissy, I am so glad your spirits have lifted! Isn’t there something so ordinary yet so calming as a walk through Heinens or Target? Have a wonderful Christmas! And then – let the games begin! You will put on your body armor, you will do battle, you will fight right there beside little Austin, and YOU WILL WIN! You will have a whole army on your side – beside you, behind you, in front of you, encircling you …. fighting right through all of this with you. And you will come out the other side …… you will see. Barbara
Krissy,
I was thinking of that last night and you – hope. I remember when my Father was sick and although no one could do anything to make it better (as your recent post stated) – we had to rely on modern medicine for that, no one could take away what he and our family had for him…hope. It is so important. It is what keeps us going. We need it. I am so glad to hear some mental stress lifted, if just for a day or two. Enjoy your time with your boys. Christmas is here. Merry Christmas. And of course, we are hoping and wishing and praying for all the best for you – every day.
Merry Christmas, Mark, Krissy, Braedan and Austin! Christmas Eve is always a peaceful time for me….wishing you the same.
Helen
I wanted to wish you and the Boys, that includes Mark, a very Merry Christmas! I hope your family enjoys the holidays.