Around the Bend

Surprise, surprise, Austin needed platelets again today. But until after a lovely morning at school. He didn’t even cry when I left him, which is a rarity. It’s been a struggle to fully acclimate him to preschool since every time he gets into a groove there, he’s pulled out again for a three week “vacation.” So today was good and he’s due there the next two days as well.

We were bummed about the platelets but pleased with his much more reasonable blood pressure numbers, even after his transfusion. Maybe the medication is finally at the right dose and doing its job. While waiting for his platelets to arrive from the blood bank, we spent a sunny if chilly hour outside engaged in our favorite activity: construction gazing.

We’re not expected back at the clinic until Thursday morning, a full two days off. Well, two days off for him. Mark and I are planning to meet — sans children — with our oncologist and nephrologist tomorrow to try to flesh out the next steps in Austin’s treatment. We are hopeful that we’ll get enough clear information that we can make a decision we feel solidly comfortable with. We know, however, that answers to most of our questions simply don’t exist and we’ll therefore have to choose among the lesser of evils.

While Mark and I think differently and come to our decisions via different routes, we both fully understand and respect each other’s decision-making process. We also know what each of our weaknesses are, such as that part of me wants to stop chemo simply because I am sick and tired of chemo. I recognize that and Mark recognizes that and we will do our best to not let such (expected but selfish) feelings influence our ultimate decision.

In my mind, this is a choice between an almost certain bad thing happening if we continue (kidney failure) versus a maybe (?) remote terrible thing happening if we don’t (cancer returning or, worse, spreading). Not to mention the numerous other bad things that can happen as a result of continuing (bone marrow depletion leading to bone marrow transplant, secondary cancers down the road, fatal infections of the central line, etc). We don’t need to make any decision for a while because he still has another round next week from which recovery is bound to be long and torturous (same chemo as this last time — just piling it on).

Neither option is perfect, neither road a smooth one to travel. Both are fraught with danger, sometimes obvious, sometimes hiding around the bend. No matter what we choose we’ll be taking a huge risk. But we will be cautious and we will be wise. And I hope hope hope that we will be right.