Taking Turns
Braedan handled Austin’s first bout with cancer beautifully. He made it through the entire thing unscathed, as if it was just another thing you deal with when you have a little brother. He was remarkably happy, well-adjusted and trusting.
The second time? Not so much.
I’ve been hesitant to write about this because I felt some need to protect him, as if his current struggles are somehow his fault or should be hidden. But they’re not his fault and hiding them certainly doesn’t help.
He is angry and frustrated and anxious and fearful and contrary and argumentative and a little bit lost. Most of all, more than anything, he’s angry. Angry at me and Mark, angry at Austin, angry at the world. The start of school, which I’d been eagerly awaiting because he loved it so much last year, has only made things worse.
I understand where he’s coming from and I completely understand why it’s happening now. It’s classic post-traumatic stress. He worked so hard for so many months keeping it together, being good because we were exhausted, being nice to Austin because he was sick. But he’s not sick anymore and we’re not quite so exhausted anymore and it’s a safe time to let that rage out. And let it out, he does.
Of course, understanding the source of his anger doesn’t make him any easier to live with! So we’ve made an appointment with the pediatric psychologist at Rainbow who works specifically with families, and especially siblings, of children with cancer. I’ve also spoken with his teacher and the social worker at his school, so I remain hopeful that we will find effective ways to work through this.
Cancer casts a long shadow, that I know, and the shadow can darken the lives of more people than just the patient. More than anything, I want my children to be happy. And as hard as we worked to make Austin better, we will work to make Braedan better. It’s his turn.
professional help is so great. we have used it for both our kids. our experience: the best position is that no matter the reason for the bad behavior, the behavior is still not allowed. so while we work through the reasons, the child doesn’t get used to getting away with it. so glad that with our kids at 19 and 16 years of age, we are almost done.
Krissy, this is such a “normal” thing that Braedan is experiencing, though that doesn’t stop the behavior, I know. We went through this somewhat with our girls, after Abby’s treatment. It still lingers down below, but it DOES get better. One way to think about it is, at least Braedan feels comfortable and safe enough to express his rage – at least he’s getting it out there – rather than letting it all simmer inside and explode later on – he’ll get through this, you’ll all get through this. What he’s feeling is normal, in terms of his trying to process what’s going on, and what went on, in the mind of a kid his age. I remember being just so furious when Abby was diagnosed – not just the rage of her being sick, and how unfair it was – but how it changed the entire dynamic of our family, and robbed my older child of the naivete and wonder of her childhood, and changed us all forever. But what can we do, except to keep on going, do the best that we can, and just keep talking, talking, talking – letting both kids know that anything they want to talk about is fair game, that they can always come to you – that their feelings are real, whatever it is that they feel – that you and Mark have had similar feelings yourselves – you can even talk about those feelings with Braedan – it’s just a matter of how to deal those feelings – and you’ll all work your way through this.
Barbara
Barbara
Really astute observations, Krissy. I’ve known more than one adult in my life who are great in crisis situations, who deal with stress and grief really well for a long time, who then had some pretty fantastic meltdowns as soon as they felt like they could. Braedan has really gone above and beyond, and so have you and Mark. It’s not too surprising that he’s having a harder time with it now that he’s older and understands more. But he seems to me to be (not to sound corny) a “people person,” generally positive and optimistic in his outlook and pretty mature in understanding people. So I suspect he’ll be pretty open and responsive to the counseling.
And school is something that he does apart from Austin, which might help also–giving him a chance just to be Braedan and not Austin’s Older Brother, however much he undoubtedly loves being Austin’s Older Brother, you know? Anyway, I feel really confident that you guys will work through this. And P.O.’d at the world or not, he’s welcome to come hang out with Thalia whenever!