To Send or Not to Send
You know, it’s sort of funny because last spring and summer when we were dealing with the enormous burden of deciding whether or not to remove Austin’s kidney — and even back into the previous fall and winter when we were dealing with the same enormous burden — I kept saying how I wished I only had “normal” parenting decisions to make. Normal, average everyday dilemmas to mull.
Well, now I have one and you know it’s stressing me out! Be careful what you wish for, right?
Austin will turn five on September 21. Our school district’s deadline for enrolling children in kindergarten is September 30. My natural inclination is to send him when it’s officially his time, which this coming fall would be. I definitely don’t believe in holding him back for any personal gain — so he’ll be bigger or stronger or smarter than his classmates. That’s just not my perogative as a parent — I lean much more towards that happy middle ground for my kids.
So there’s a big part of me that wants to send him, because I feel it’s the “right” thing to do. But, I do worry that it could add an unnecessary strain to his schooling years. He would always always be the youngest and might always feel like he was playing catch-up. Because so many other parents are holding their kids back these days — not just those with September birthdays, but with birthdays as far back as June and July — Austin could be as many as fifteen months younger than his classmates. That’s a really big difference, especially when you’re only four and your classmates are already six.
So I find myself super torn, back and forth, back and forth (just like with that other big decision). It wouldn’t be hard to wait — Austin has another year of preschool he can easily do since he’s not enrolled in the pre-K class this year, so that’s not a factor.
I’m certainly not expecting anyone else to make this decision for us, but would love to hear about your experiences either as parents or as teachers or as the youngest or oldest student you may once have been. Any insight is welcome.
And believe me, I know that if this is my biggest parenting concern right now, I am very lucky indeed.
Well, you asked!
Boys, boys, boys…..always a tough decision. “They” say that boys are developmently delayed (really?!). As someonce with a late October birthday whose parents did not wait, I wish they had. Emotional maturity, social ability and. of course, size all matter. Guess some things never change! I say give him another year of being a kid. Especially, since he missed out on some of it (inspite of your best efforts) due to the cancer. Know that which ever decision you make at some point you’ll second guess yourselves. Situation normal! I’m so glad you have a “normal” decision for a change. BTW, Ralph agrees and adds that with all his education classes he never learned why five became the magic number .
Then again, what does Austin want?? Our children are often our best guides.
I couldn’t possibly count the number of times I was asked variations of this question during the years I was in early childhood education. Having never met Austin, I am reluctant to chime in at all. And I am sure someone is out there who will contradict what I am about to say … but I never met anyone who regretted giving their child that extra year. But I have met plenty who regretted that they didn’t. Whatever you decide it will be the right decision for Austin because you know him best. Good luck!
Mason’s birthday is 9/27. We waited, no regrets. Adam and Ben had October and November birthdays. They both loved being “older.” For boys, I am a big fan of waiting.
Oh Krissy, I had to make this decision also, and it was so difficult. Jack’s birthday is August 31. Against popular opinion, I put him where he belongs (note I did not say ahead, just where he belongs according to the deadline). He has boys in his class who are more than a year older than he is. I discussed it with his teachers and the school director. I felt the educators knew him best in the school setting, and I went with their recommendation.
I will always wonder if I made the right decision, as he is the youngest and smallest. Socially, he held his own until the struggles of Middle School, but I think the pressures and angst of the age are inevitable for some. Intellectually, he is where he should be. Good luck and please let me know if you want to talk further.
Austin being a boy and having a very late Summer birthday I would have him start Kindergarten next year. It’s easier being the oldest boy in your class than the youngest boy. I’m an early August birthday and my parents sent me early because I’m a girl and was ready. It’s wonderful now being the last one in my class to have turned 40! Boys are a bit slower when it comes to development. Trust me on seeing two girls vs. my one boy! Seriously, having him start next year will be no big deal, he’ll be better ready emotionally, developmentally and socially. Let him have one more year to get ready, it won’t hurt him! We always want to push everyone too fast to grow up in this country, give him another year is my vote! He’s a bright boy so either way he’ll do fine, but I’d personally wait. Good Luck on your decision!
I struggled with this decision too. Our cutoff is September 1. Henry was easy – he’s a November kid, so he’s on the older end of the spectrum and we didn’t have to think about holding or not. James – our 3rd – is a spring kid – so that decision was pretty much made for us too. Avery is August 30. She’s a girl and the 2nd child and we were pretty sure we were sending her but suddenly – months after the deadline to sign up for another year of preschool – the teachers were recommending holding her – in part because that year there seemed to be a huge trend of holding. 6 out of 8 of the summer kids in her preschool were already being held and when I asked the principal at our elementary school, she told me that most of the summer birthday kids had already told her they were holding. We really struggled and in the end decided to hold. We heard – like you – that no one regrets holding but some regret not. We decided that – for her – it would be better to hold. She – despite her outward sassy and confident demeanor – is insecure and competitive with Henry, who would only have been a year ahead of her in school. We figured a year extra between them would only help too. We’ve never regretted this decision. She’s in 3rd grade now.
That all being said – Cecilia is June 20 and we are sending her. There is a part of me that considers it – briefly. But I think she’s ready and I think June is not in what I think of as the window of choice. I think that the trend of absolutely holding has died down somewhat and frankly – I had always felt annoyed at the people who held their June and July kids with a “but they’d be the youngest!” horrified attitude. Hell – someone has to be the youngest and at some point it becomes ridiculous all of this jockeying for the best spot possible. I’ll say that Cecilia’s best friend is probably being held and her birthday is 2 weeks later than Ceil’s, so clearly some people are still holding early summer kids.
It’s a huge decision and you have to consider Austin individually and make guesses about who he will be – not in kindergarten – but in middle and high school. That’s tough. I will echo what’s been said before – I think no one regrets holding and giving their kid an extra year of childhood.
Krissy, I faced the same decision with Abby, as she’s a late summer birthday. A huge part of me wanted to send her; I just thought it was time for her to get on with things; she had already missed so much time in preschool, being in Rainbow most of that time. But in the end we held her; it’s not even right to say “held”, because actually she was fine to start either year; I am so, so glad that we waited that extra year – mostly for social reasons – I just think she is now gaining the maturity (I hope) that she needs to be able to handle first grade next year. But I also know kids with summer birthdays who start early, and they do fine. I honestly don’t think that Abby would have done fine – I think she would have found it difficult, and been kind of lost. But that’s Abby. Every kid is different. I think the teachers are usually good at helping you figure this out – so would definitely get advice from them. Hope this helps – Barbara
Two of my boys have late August birthdays so I held both back. My oldest was very shy and needed the extra year, and I held back my second son due to the little white lie I told my first son that people with summer birthdays usually start school at age six. I don’t have any regrets. Worse case scenario, we get to keep them an extra year.
I’m glad you get to have normal parent dilemmas this year!
I sent my son who was very close to the cut off date because it was what you are supposed to do, and he seemed ready intellectually and socially. But now that he’s in the fourth grade, I regret the decision. His handwriting isn’t where the other kids are, he’s the youngest in his class and on teams, and it’s been a bit of a challenge. Not that I can change my decision now, but I do wish I had held him back.
Krissy-
You know Austin is mentally ready and physically he fears nothing. I think that you could survey the class he is in and see birth dates. The chance of him following the same group is high because I think you have found your home to grow in. Ask when birthdays are. Miles just turned 7 and half the class is still 6. No in in his class is 8 or almost 8. Maybe you are from an area where people believe in sending kids to school when they are supposed to go and are not always looking for advantages. When he is in high school I think the only time it matters is when you get to drive, but I liked not having to be the designated driver! Anyway, either choice you make is correct. You have always chosen wisely to this point, so I have full faith that what you choose to do is the right thing for Austin. Go TEAM AUSTIN!-Ann
My younger brother’s birthday is August 30 and my mom waited the extra year and has always said she was happy she did. It’s all about individual kids and, as everyone else says, you and Mark know Austin better than anyone else does, plus as a former teacher you’re going to have a good sense of how he is developmentally. Frankly there are days when I wish I’d have been able to start Abra and Thalia both when they were 4–Abra especially–but their birthdays are late enough in the school year that it wasn’t an option.
You’re right about the trend to hold kids out later. I remember when I went off to college, there were lots of 17-year-old Freshmen with birthdays well past the beginning of the school year, even well into November. I don’t think that’s as common now and really won’t be as common 10-15 years from now.
As my kids have January and end-of-November birthdays, I’m afraid I’m no help here personal experience-wise. I tend to suspect that Austin would be OK either way. I do know that of the parents I have known who’ve waited (of which there aren’t many) they’ve been glad they did, but they also felt pretty strongly about it going in so maybe that has something to do with it.
Krissy, I would wait. I was young, August 15 and it was not a good
mix. I wish I would have had another year to mature before I went
to school. Come to think of it, I was able to join the Army at seventeen, and that’s not something you hear everyday.
Krissy, It has been my experience that a boy always benefits from waiting an extra year. This has been true no matter who he is or what his background. Therefore, I would recommend keeping Austin at home for one more year. Terry
i’d wait- hanna’s bday is oct 16 & we waited- i’d rather have them be a little bit ahead (older & maybe wiser) than struggle. they also say boys don’t mature as “fast” as girls- that’s what i was told when i had this dilemma – so i’d definitely- I as a parent couldn’t stand to watch my child struggle especially with all you & Austin have already been thru…
We were 8 days after the deadline and had a tiny boy. We could have pushed it but were very glad he got the extra year. Their brains are just more ready to handle the harder stuff; my daughter got the opposite: Jan. birthday and then skipped a year of school. Her schoolwork doesn’t match with her potential in subjects like math and science and I think she could have done much better if she hadn’t skipped. I would definitely give him the extra year.
Hi Krissy,
I have read your dilemma about sending Austin to kindergarten…. As a kindergarten teacher of 28 years and a mom of two August babies…. ( my daughter went to kindergarten when she was five and my son went when he was six), I vote for holding him back. Although academic issues were not a concern, social growth was and I can remember Dr. Pelegrin saying to me, “You’ll never regret this decision.” and I NEVER have.
And besides…. he will be the first in his class to drive and that is a pretty big deal.
I guess I retired too soon. It would have been nice to see you again.