True Self
I gotta tell you, one of the hardest things about parenting is understanding a child who is deeply different from you. Of course, conventional wisdom always say it’s hard when you’re too much alike also, as when two strong headed personalities clash. But at least the parent can understand that; you can see where your child is coming from.
I’ve been struck lately by Austin’s extreme shyness. I don’t even know if it’s actually shyness, but he has this way of completely withdrawing from social situations that I find really frustrating. When he’s alone with any one person (Mark, me, my mom), he’s talkative and playful, creative and very very funny. But when you throw the kid into any kind of group setting (even with people he knows well, like extended family), he loses his ability to speak and simply hides his face behind me as if he’s two years old.
I know all kids are different and, of course, I know Austin’s been through a lot and relies on me for a sense of safety and comfort, but it is still so tough. He won’t even look at people when they speak to him, won’t say hi to his cousins or grandparents, won’t accept offers from friends who want to play, and then regrets it afterward. He wishes he had engaged with the friends reaching out to him — friends he’s often eager to see but then rebuffs in person, wasting perfectly good opportunities to have fun.
I’m not sure what to do about it, or if there’s anything I can do about it, but I wish he was able to let his true self shine through. I wish I could share the sweet and engaged and engaging Austin that I know and love with the rest of the world.
We have a boy similar to this. With James, we call it “The anxiety of the threshold.” One on one — he’s personable and relaxed and engaging. Novel situations, large groups, kindergarten orientation (he hid under that table), birthday parties, etc. — he shuts down and hides – or doesn’t want to do it at all, despite the fact that he might have fun — the thought of it is too overwhelming and big. It’s so much better now that he’s 8 — but we’ve worked on it for years. Clear explanation of what’s about to happen, reassurance that we understand that it can be overwhelming but we are not having do something that would be bad for him, little steps — you don’t have to talk to the people but you need to make eye contact — or say hi while buried in my shoulder — a compromise that still feels a bit safe but pushes him a little. As he gets older, he learns a bit more about managing his own anxiety. And even though very little of what he has to do seems like a big deal, it is for him — the anxiety he feels in these situations is very real and palpable and I have to validate that without letting him just stay home and never push the boundaries of what he’s comfortable doing. It’s also hard to not make it about me and my need for my kids to behave “normally” — but meet him where he is and move him forward.
Thank you, Heather, this is really helpful. I have begun to encourage him to just look up and wave at the people who greet him, so he doesn’t have to actually speak. And I do insist that he go to the events (parties, camp, playdates) that he is initially excited for but backs down at the the last minute — and he almost always ends up having fun. And of course, I do need to remember to check my mothering ego at the door (another of the great challenges of parenthood!) and let him be who he is, no matter who I am. In his case, that’s undoubtedly exacerbated by the public image of him I’ve created — one that to me is perfectly accurate — but I do worry that people who follow his story and then meet him in person must think, “Wow, this isn’t the kid I imagined.) And that, of course, is only about me and something I need to let go. So, thank you.
Sounds like you had a great visit in Cleveland!
I did! I need to ignore my own overwhelming thoughts about the drive (never as bad as it feels before it happens) and get home more often. I just feel like I’m home when I’m there. Next time – we’ll have to make a playdate!
And honestly – James is so much better than he was at 5 that it makes me a little teary when I see him do things like give his biography report in front of an entire class and their parents. This is the boy who couldn’t even manage to march in with his preschool class for a performance without hiding. They get better.