Karmically Wrong

Friday was Austin’s last day of preschool. Ever. So, of course, here’s the obligatory playground photo, along with his previous two Last Day photos: It’s bittersweet to leave St. Paul’s since it’s been such a major part of our lives for the past six years. Braedan’s first official day of preschool (after a good two […]

Echo Spin Shadowing

That’s what it was. ^^ Not actually “nothing.” To be exact, “Apparent hypoechoic area described on previous ultrasonography study is likely due to echo spin shadowing from surgical clip along the left psoas muscle.” Or, in our own language, that thing we saw in the ultrasound was caused by ultrasound waves bouncing off the titanium […]

Nothing

It’s nothing. A smudge on the ultrasound. Possibly the shadow of the titanium clip they placed there years ago to mark the exact spot where a tumor was removed. A mistake. A fluke. Whatever you call it, don’t call it cancer. Because it’s not. It’s nothing. Oh my god. I am so exhausted. I will […]

Here We Go

Here we go again. There’s something about having a procedure postponed that takes away a bit of the nervousness surrounding it and replaces it with a feeling of let’s do this already. It happened to us back in September/October of 2007 when Austin went in for a major surgery to remove tumors off his left […]

“Really Much Fun”

Austin has fully embraced our fill-every-moment attitude. The other day when we were bouncing on the trampoline, he shouted from mid-air, “Let’s have the most fun ever!” And then proceeded to berate me if I wasn’t laughing loud enough. “Let’s laugh, Mom… you too, Braedan! You’re not laughing enough,” like the drill seargent of joy. […]

The 5th Scenario

Didn’t expect to hear from me so quickly, huh? Have I ever told you that Austin is a snorer? Like a hear-him-from downstairs-snorer? He’s loud, all night long, snargling and snuffling and waking anyone around him. This is relevant because sedation can be dangerous for those at risk of respiratory failure. We’ve run into this […]

What to Wish For

Mark and I sat around for a long time last night trying to figure out exactly what to hope will come out of today. Wishing for everything to “be okay” doesn’t quite cut it, nor does my usual “I hope the worst is behind us.” We need some specifics here. We’ve settled on four scenarios, […]

So Many Endings

I’ve ended my book three times. The first in March 2008 after Austin’s Broviac line was removed and the first time he was declared “cancer-free.” Then again in April 2009, after what we now call “the almost relapse.” And finally — or what I thought was finally — in August 2010. I’m going to share […]

Fact-Finding

Austin will have an MRI on Thursday afternoon. It took some juggling to get this scheduled because we were initially hoping for a morning slot, since he can’t eat before being sedated. But the next available morning slot was on May 31 and none of us (neither Mark and I, nor Austin’s doctors) were comfortable […]

Slaying Dragons

You know I’m not big on religion or “signs” or anything like that, but in moments like these, I inevitably grasp at straws and find meaning everywhere. In songs on the radio, in stories on the news, in typical childlike queries. Sometimes in places I wish I didn’t. Like yesterday when one of Braedan’s classmates, […]